Christianity

I remember crying during a Christian camp years ago. When asked why, I replied that I cried because everyone else was crying. And it was true. I was desperately trying to squeeze out tears just to blend in and pretty stoked that I managed to. I pictured a loved one dying.
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Everyone laughed at my reply, but I suspect that I wasn’t the only one who cried to blend in, or at least tried to look as sombre as possible. It is easy to go with the flow, without realising for oneself the profoundness of what Jesus did. It is easy to pretend to be an outward Christian, just because to turn away from that is to alienate your friends whom you grew up with. It is easy to be a Christian only when you are surrounded by Christians, and hide one’s convictions when you are surrounded by non-Christians. Like a chameleon, changing one’s colours according to the background. Trying hard not to stand out.
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It is easy to do all that when you don’t realise for yourself that God is true.
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I’ve wondered sometimes, how president Obama can be a Christian. I mean, he must be one of the smartest people in the world right? How can he believe in something so irrational as Jesus? To believe not only that there is a God, but that he send his son (whom is Him also, try working that out) to die to pay the sins of the world so that we might be sinless? What kind of brainwashed idiot would believe in that? For a long time, deep down, so deep that I can ignore it most times, I doubted that Christianity is true.
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I’ve often prayed to God that if he is true, would he please just tell me that in a clear voice that I can instantly recognise as his, or send an angel to appear right now in front of me. When I was younger, I put my hands over my short-sighted eyes and told God to give me perfect vision again. None of that happened. So I stopped praying. I stopped praying for my parents and my brother and my friends, because I doubted if God existed.
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Coming to New Zealand and being part of christian fellowship forced me to wrestle with my doubts. At times, I feel convicted that God is true. At times, I doubted. I am thankful for the opportunities I’ve had to express my doubts and not be shot down with a routine ‘go read the bible’ or ‘you need to pray more’ reply, or be met with a shocked ‘you infidel!’ expression. Honestly, responses like these only encourage Christians to stop thinking about why they believe what they do. When the rest of the world is thinking, how can we afford not to? 1 Peter 3:15: “… Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have…”
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Although part of believing involves God’s spirit working through us, a stronger conviction requires it to be rationally possible, at least, for the Christian God to be true. I know for me it does. Because I cannot believe in something that has a 0% chance of existing. Why don’t I just jump off a cliff instead and believe that something will save me?

.To come to the conclusion that the Christian God can be true, I’ve wrestled with questions such as:
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Is there a God? Is this God the same one as the one proclaimed in the Bible? Is the Bible true? Did Jesus really exist? Did he and his disciples speak the truth? Like Buz said, there is no reason to assume that Peter and the other writers of the Bible weren’t as intellectual as we are now. Some of these writers saw and knew Jesus personally, and even died horrendously because they knew that Jesus was true.
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To be honest, I am still grappling with some issues, as any thinking Christian should be. But I know the basics of Christianity to be true, from thinking rationally about it and being convicted by the Spirit.
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I came back from student leadership camp last week, feeling refreshed and renewed in my faith.
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One lesson from SLC is contained in Psalm 23. God is sovereign. What Nigel said is true. To worry is to sin, for then we stop placing our trust in God. My future is in God’s hands, and deep down, I know his plans for me can only be good, even if it involves some suffering and hardship here and there.
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Another lesson is that of having an undivided life. To be a Christian is to be a Christian all the time, not just in church. And when you know the truth of the gospel, how can you compartmentalise your life? The joy of salvation cannot be contained.
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I’m writing this down so that I can come back to it when doubts haunt me again. Also, I hope it encourages those who are struggling with their faith to not be afraid of expressing that doubt and to take steps towards resolving them. Like Andy prayed after his talk, I hope that anything I’ve wrote which is not from God is erased from your minds, and that which is from God remains forever.

All for Thee

Take my life, and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days;
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing,
Always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold;
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine;
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own;
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love; my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure-store.
Take myself, and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

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For once in a long long time, I can mean what I sing.. more thoughts on Student Leadership Camp soon!

Yay for God

I just came back from a meeting where this lady from Thailand, Kanchana, shared her powerful testimony with us. Kanchana was led to be a medium when she was 15, until her 20s when she was freed from that life after an encounter with God in a church.

In between, she had tried being a nun for a few months, but was dissatisfied with having to pray to a man-made idol. She couldn’t understand why she, a living person, was praying to a non-living statue. She decided to try out church after she found a fossil of a seashell on top of a hill and connected it with what her friend had told her about Noah’s story (when God flooded the world).

Initially, Kanchana was freaked out when people started talking in tongues. She thought that they were ‘Jesus mediums’. When she tried to sneak out of the exit out front, she was inexplicably drawn towards the pulpit and prayed for. Then all she could remember was someone proclaiming Hallelujah, Praise the Lord! and she followed suit. Immediately, she could feel the medium spirit leaving her body. Since then, Kanchana was thirsty to learn more about the Bible, and who this God is.

From the start of her story, I was struck by how real the spiritual world is. We never think about it as we go about our daily lives, especially if we live in secular societies. Personally, I have never encountered any spirits or ghosts or any supernatural stuff, although I have heard stories of toyols, bomohs, and exorcisms. It is easy to discount such stuff as myths, stories that people make up to scare others. Tonight however, I am reminded that the spiritual battle is real and happening even today. I have no desire to be tested in my faith, but I am comforted by the fact that if ever that happens, I have nothing to be afraid of. as God is greater than any of the spirits or demons of this world.

Secrets

There are some things that you can't tell anyone. Because to do so means hurting the ones you love, and you know that saying it out gets you nowhere anyway. You could probably tell a stranger I guess, but all you'll get is an insincere "tsk tsk aww how sad.. " Like the Ask Thelma section in magazines.

3 years ago, the person I was would have gone by the 'what if' principle and vomit things out without thinking of the consequences. But life isn't just about me and what I want.

"There are places in our lives that only God can go."

How true.

My deepest fear

... is not that my loved ones should pass away and leave me, but that they should do so without knowing God, that I should have no hope of ever seeing them again, and that I never mustered enough will and courage to talk to them about God. Tears flow when I’m reminded about this possibility, and I get angry and disappointed with myself for always leaving it to another day, thinking there’ll always be another chance to do it, or that someone else will talk to them. I worry that I’m not praying enough, not fasting, not trying hard enough. When I was younger, I used to pray for them every night, but somehow, I lost that along the way. Did I lose hope for them? Or did I not believe that God will answer my prayers? Either way, I should not have stopped. For my family and one of my closest friends, my greatest wish is for them to come to know Him, believe in Him and love Him. At the very least, to take the first step to find out more about Him, for I know that when ones seeks, one shall find. If not for their own salvation, then for my selfishness in not wanting to lose them. Nothing else matters really, yet it’s astonishing how easy it is to talk about less important stuff when opportunities arise to breach the topic...